Laura's Humour Page
The Dyslexic Princess
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard- frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and
shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackerd.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called
Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible
uckers and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had bickets to
go to the tall but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was bucking fang and gairy fodmother
appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy
ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome
hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "For suck's fake"! yelled
Rindercella as she ran out tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass
glipper.
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. Who's fust jarted? asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly
ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the
prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without
success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and
gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had
bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella
and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
They were married. The hince lived his life in lucking
fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. And they lived happily
ever!!
Christmas Present
A Young man
called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. As they hadn't
been seeing each other for very long ,he decided after careful consideration
that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too
personal. He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty
pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself
at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items,
the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers, Without checking Ron sealed
the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out
in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long
ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove. These
are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair
she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at
all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that the pair rubs her
ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn't needed to wash it
since she began wearing them, I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance
to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit
because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing, Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them
for me on Friday night.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur
showing.
The School Play
Little Billy had been given a role in the school play but wasn't very happy as
he was convinced he'd get something wrong. His teacher reassured Billy as much
as possible and said he had every confidence in Billy doing a good job. Billy
had two lines to recite. The first was "Fair Maiden, I have come to snatch a
kiss and fill your soul with hope".
Then, after the maiden's reply he simply had to say "Hark! A pistol shot!"
He rehearsed with a passion and soon became quietly confident of success in his
role. The evening of the performance arrived and all the children were costumed
and gathered back stage ready to take their turn in the limelight. Billy took
several peeks through the curtains and the sight of several hundred parents and
staff quickly resulted in his confidence taking a nosedive. The play began and
as each child took their turn Billy waited, and waited and gradually his
nervousness overtook him. Until, by the time he walked on stage he was a
quivering wreck.
His cue arrived and his eagerness to get it over and done with resulted in
"Fair Maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your Hole with Soap".
The roars of laughter that followed did little to calm Billy down and it was all
he could do to stop himself from running from the stage.
The Fair Maiden replied and poor Billy never stood a chance. "Hark! A shistol
pot! A pastel shit! A shit pot! Oh B****cks, I didn't want to be
in the F***ing play in the first place!"
Billy received rave reviews!
Scottish Joke
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to
the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses,
and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!!"
Irish Joke
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a
broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19
year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them,
Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one!!"
TV Double Entendres
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth
during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked,
"They seem cold out there they're rubbing each other
and he's come in his shorts."
Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and
his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he
prefers to do it by himself."
Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about
snowfall when she revealed:
"I had a good eight inches last night."
Lorraine Kelly on GMTV:
"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our
resident stylist is here to give our model one."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports:
"Stephen Hendry. jumps on Steve Davis's misses every
chance he gets."
Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word
on Countdown:
"Ah 'Erection', let's see it up please Carol."
David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on
Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith:
"You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied.
"I've come across quite a few in my time."
Here is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire
winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself
in bed last night."
Ross King discussing relays
with champion runner Phil Redmond
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh
water in Baghdad when she informed TV am viewers:
"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a
day in my hotel room."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v
Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix,
asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside
by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
Steve Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World
Athletics Championships:
"Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic
champion inside him."
Chain Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in
contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors:
"That's enough Dick for both of you."
Expert David Batty was examining a bowl with a
pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:
"This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever
seen."
Best till last Carenza Lewis about finding food in the
Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
Extracts
from Letters Sent to the Councils throughout the UK
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
backfired and burnt my knob off.
It's the dogs' mess that I
find hard to swallow.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
foot in the hole in his back passage.
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please
send someone round to do something about it
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus
growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it
anymore.
....and their 18 year old son is continually banging his
balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the
outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them
off.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
We are
getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move
into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
are plain filthy.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
until it is cleared
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an
old age pensioner and need it badly.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his
cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly
and dangerous.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no
satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
These are from a Book
called Disorder in Court
These are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere!!
What the Children Said
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they
made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.He was an
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was
sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without
them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the
java.The games were messier
than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to
be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus".
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
Bernard Shaw for reasons I
don�t really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper,
which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hotel. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats
backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14th 1865, Lincoln went to the
theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick rapper, which did
the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits, but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long, people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was
really true. He sort of said God�s days were not just 24 hours but without
watches who knew anyhow ? I don�t get it.
Madman Curie discovered the radio.
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started
revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
Children Writing About The
Sea:
1) This is a picture of an
octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all
round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie
age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind
come. My brother said hey would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are
beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen
age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about
the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps
shouting at my
Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous.
Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in
caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the
sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when
they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down
on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mom went water
skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it
again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
This is The Transcript of
the Actual Radio Conversation between a U.S.
Naval ship and Canadians off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995
The Radio Conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October
10, 1995.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a
collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER, U.S.S .LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES
ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call !!
Transcript of the New Answering
Service Recently Installed at The Mental Health
Institute.
Hello, and welcome to the
Mental Health Hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive - Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent - Please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities - Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid - We know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
If you are delusional - Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother
Ship orbiting around Alpha Centuri.
If you are schizophrenic - Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive - It doesn't matter which number you press, no-one
will answer.
If you are dyslexic - Press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder - Please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia - Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date,
time and place of birth, national insurance number and your mother's maiden
name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder - Slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder - Please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - Press 9.
If you have low self-esteem - Please hang up, all our operators are too busy to
talk to you.
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary (I think that the writer has met Indica}
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to
eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on
their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors
with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try
to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For
no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer."
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak)
and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait,
it is only a matter of time..........
Indian Curry Rhapsody
Naan, just killed a man,
poppadom against his head,
had lime pickles now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun,
But now I'm gonna crapit all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry,
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, Curry on,
Cause nothing really madras
Too late, my dinners gone,
Sends shivers down my spine,
rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, ive got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, Ooh Ooh,This dupiaxa is so mild,
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
(guitar solo)
I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan josh, Rogan josh, pass the chutney made of mango,
Vindaloo does nicely,
very very spicy,
Meat!
Byriani (byriani)
Byriani (byriani)
Byriani and a naan (A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me,
he's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory,stand you well back
'cause the loo is quarantined
Here it comes,
There it goes
Technicolour yawn
I chunder
No!
Its coming up again (There he goes)
I chunder, its coming back again (there he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again. (No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me... poor me... poor meeee!
(Guitar solo)
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oooooh maybe, but you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
(guitar solo) (slow bit)
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
Tooo meeee....
Anyway, the wind blows... shshshshsh
stand you well back cause the loo is quarantined
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolour yawn
I chunder
No!
Its coming up again (There he goes)
I chunder, its coming back again (there he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again. (No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, im on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me... poor me... poor meeee!
(Guitar solo)
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oooooh maybe, but you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
(guitar solo) (slow bit)
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
Tooo meeee....
Anyway, the wind blows... shshshshsh
Marriage
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the
top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her
about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In
trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and
took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know
what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totalling
$25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious
doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those
years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said,
"that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come
from?" "Oh," she said," that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
English
Around the World
Here are some
Signs and Notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such
thing is please not to read notice.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you
will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig hotel elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more
persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11
a.m. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form
of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
Brain Dead
A plane was about to crash and there
were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes. The first person said. " I am Roy
Keane , one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my
fans need me so I think I should be saved." The others agreed and gave him one
of the parachutes and off he went.
The second person said "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can
really help my country and I think I should be saved." The others said." o.k."
and gave him a parachute.
The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National
squad. I have a wife and 2 sons. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and
everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not stupid, so I am taking a parachute."
and off he went.
There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl. The Pope said,
"child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with
everything before you." " You take the parachute and I will stay with the
aircraft and take my chance" "It's o.k.." said the girl, "there are still two
parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag,
Square
Balls
A little old
lady went into the Bank of England one day, carrying bag of money. She insisted
that she must speak with the chairman of the bank to open a savings account
because she had a lot of money!
After much humming and hahing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
chairman's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank's chairman then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, �165,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The chairman was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked, Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you
get this money? The old lady replied, I make bets
The chairman then asked, Bets? what kind of bets? The old woman said,
Well, for example, I'll bet you �25,000 that your balls are square.
Ha! laughed the chairman, That's a stupid you can never win that kind of bet!
The old lady challenged, would you like to take my bet? Sure, said the chairman,
I'll bet �25,000 that my balls are not square! The little old lady then said,
Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me
tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?
Sure! replied the confident chairman. That night, the chairman got very nervous
about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until
he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would
win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the chairman's office. She introduced the lawyer to the chairman and
repeated the bet: �25,000 says the chairman's balls are square!
The chairman agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his
pants so they could all see. The chairman did. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
Well, Okay, said the chairman, �25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should
be absolutely sure. Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging
his head against the wall.
The Chairman asked the old lady, What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?
She replied, Nothing, except I bet him �100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd
have The Bank of England's chairman's balls in my hand.
Loyal
Daughter
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money
and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a
visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family
home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out, wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked
into the house her father said Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully
well in London. The girl took his hands and said, Dad - I've been meaning to
tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't
hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute. Her father gasped, put
his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had
clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As
the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter
weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly I'm a goner - killed by my own
daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become! Please forgive me his
daughter sobbed, I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send
you money and the only way I could dot was by becoming a prostitute. Brushing
the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling: Glory be to
Jesus, said he I thought you said PROTESTANT!
Weird Things
Did you know that;
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear
weapons combined.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because
when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the
books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "Month"
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop
growing.
All polar bears are left handed.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?!!!!
Dear
Employees;
It has been
brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company
have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with
their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be
easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper
exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without
risk of offending our more sensitive employees:
| TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late |
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? |
| TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
|
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. |
| TRY SAYING: Really?
|
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me! |
| TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
|
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. |
| TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
|
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem. |
| TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
|
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck? |
| TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
|
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work. |
| TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
|
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner? |
| TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. |
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his own arse! |
| TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
|
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die. |
| TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
|
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my arse. |
| TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
|
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your arse. |
| TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. |
INSTEAD OF: This job fucking sucks . |
| TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
|
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? |
| TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. |
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick. |
| TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
|
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch. |
| TRY SAYING: I think you could use
some more training. |
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing. |
Ever Spoken and Wished that you
could take the Words Back?
I walked into a
hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do
you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out
and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He
asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of
nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked
away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one day my toddler decided to release some pent-up
energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did
not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked
me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go
right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to
the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad
enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
"Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Never Underestimate the
Intelligence of a Woman
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of it, he was
really tight when it came to his money. He loved money more than just
about anything, and before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I
die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died,
she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her
friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just
a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it
in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they
rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money
in there with your husband." She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go
back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that
casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque!
Dumb Blonde Joke
A blonde bird pushes her Punto
into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, What's
the story?
He replies, Just crap in the carburettor.
She says, How often do I have to do that?
Tragedy
President Bush was visiting a
primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a
tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that would
be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the President. "That's what we would
call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush
searched the room," Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said, "If Air Force One carrying you and
Mrs. Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"FANTASTIC!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," said the boy, "it has to be a tragedy because it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be
an accident either."
The Love
Dress
A
woman visited her son's house. She knocked on
the door then immediately walked In. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come
home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" 'This is my
love dress," her daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But
you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she said. "It excites
him to no end, every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes
romantic and ravishes me for hours. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD
and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying
there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs
ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?".
7 Reasons Not To
Mess With Children
A little
girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The
little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The
teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl
replied, "Then you ask him".
A nursery teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one
knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?" One little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother
replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl
thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mum,
how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say,' There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room
rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood,
trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and
I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why
is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"'Cause your feet aren't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take
only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch
line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all
you want. God is watching the apples.
Sheep Joke
A guy
walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a
headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll
find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: " I think you'll
find I wasn't talking to you."
Brain Dead?
University Challenge
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
Weakest Link
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian
city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were
written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G,
revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
National Lottery Jet Set
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
Chris Searle Show, BBC Bristol
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
Family Fortunes
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with
wings
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30 ) Something red? - My sweater
Radio Lincs Phone-In
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
Steve Wright Show, Radio 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
This Morning
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or
false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV
show, so I'll give you that.
BBC Radio Newcastle
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four
BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
Daryl's Drive time, Virgin Radio
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
Another
Blonde Joke
Two
friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying
flowers.
The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying
me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the
air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Customer
Service Call
This
has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard of in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which
was transcribed from a Recording monitoring the customer
care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was
fired.
However, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization
for "Termination without Cause."
This is actual Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee. Now I know why they record these conversations!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen
look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank, it won't accept
anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect,
or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on
the screen?"
"What's a Sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your
cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told
you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's
on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of
the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the
monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to
look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me
if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it
is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee
on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't
have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off,
and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light
then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power
failure."
"A power... A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug
your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back
to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I
suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking
stupid to own a computer.
Educating
Teenagers
According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12 year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night the cleaner would
remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the cleaner. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the cleaner who had to clean the
mirrors every night To demonstrate how difficult it had been to
clean the mirrors, she asked the man to show the girls how much
effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped
it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then,
there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
Extreme
Websites!
Everyone
knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's
world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the
domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think
it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as
the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday
humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their
domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of
the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait
for it... is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator
company...www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in
New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website
is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and
their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
One to
Brighten a Monday Morning
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her
period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the
girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says,
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl
picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house;
a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably
dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters
the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the
mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your
daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I
will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of
her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank
account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her
again."
Language Barrier?
A Polish man moved to
the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect,
they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and
asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? - No, we
have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good
DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me!
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and
put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
A Lesson For
All Employees Who Work With Rude Customers!!!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in
Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making
her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had
been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on
this flight and it HAS to be NOW".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure
we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I
AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I
have your attention please," she began her voice heard
clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate
14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to get in line for that too."
Nelson Mandela Joke
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the
door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little
Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard
under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese
man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the
door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese
man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his
shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who
do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
Why I Man
How to improve sales: A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods
looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales
experience?" The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny
salesman back in Lemington. "The manager liked the Geordie so he
gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got
through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down
and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said
"Just the one, Marra. "The manager groaned and continued "Just
one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?....... "�124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The
manager choked and exclaimed "�124,237.64, what the hell did you
sell him?" Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a
medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I
asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the
coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv
the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4
Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell
me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and 4x4?"
"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
lady friend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan
fishing."
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,
rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife
again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he
would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One
day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember
that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened
with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We
were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
snickered. "Lets relive some old times." Whereupon, the two stripped to the
buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty
years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "Ones in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal."
The Naughty Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror. She asks
him why he is staring. I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend
you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be
single and second, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and
says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next
alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when
they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've
sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Bruce and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Some People Are Way Too Clever !
Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitation, which once
again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The 2006 winners are:
1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down
in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.
7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running > late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease, this one got extra credit.
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at
three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor: The colour
you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee; the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted; appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate; to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade; to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly; impotent.
6. Negligent; absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph; to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle; olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence; emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by
a steamroller.
10. Balderdash; a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle; a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude; he formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon; a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster; a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism; the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the
roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent; an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Peacock
I was sitting at the
mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colours: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The
teenager would look and find the old man staring every time... When the teenager
had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son."
Best Irish Joke Ever
A teacher asks her
class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and
my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a
bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will
take the contagious."
Some Good Puns
Energizer Bunny Arrested: Charged with Battery.
A Pessimist's Blood Type is always B Negative.
Shotgun Wedding: A case of Wife or Death.
Is a Book on Voyeurism a Peeping Tome?
A Gossip is someone with a great sense of Rumour.
When two Egotists meet, is it an I for an I.
What's the Definition of a Will? It's a Dead Giveaway.
A Backwards Poet writes Inverse.
A Chicken crossing the road is Poultry in Motion.
If you don't pay your Exorcist, you get Repossessed.
A Grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You get Stuck with your Debt if you can't Budge It.
A Short Fortune teller who escaped from prison was a Small Medium at Large.
Once you've seen one Shopping Centre, you've seen a Mall.
Those who jump off a Paris Bridge are In Seine.
Santa's Helpers are Subordinate Clauses.
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
--
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Not Welcome
A young couple wanted to join the church,the vicar told them 'We have a
special requirement for new couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the
husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a
problem?' he inquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex
for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.
The vicar asked him what happened.
Well, the first week was difficult... however, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off of Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with
her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted
for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'
admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you
will not be welcome in our church.'
We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, We're not welcome at Homebase either.
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
This Lies in Wait For Us
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a hearing aid that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Jim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. "The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know. The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis"!
'Twas The Day After Christmas
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The crisps I'd nibbled, the nuts I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the chocolates, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a Good Diet!